* ;CHARLEEN.L ; Happiness is all I ever wanted . (:

P E A C E

Tried to write a letter; In ink
I've got a piece of paper; But it's Empty

The diaryEM0, ELM0

Monday, September 14, 2009 ( 9/14/2009 03:08:00 AM )

I kn0w this ph0t0s are ugly, fcuking ugly, but 0ther than and his ph0t0, that is n0thing else I can d0 t0 make me smile, f0rcing myself t0 smile again is hard, s0 I g0t n0 ch0ice . But I think they're interesting . (: S0meh0w make me wanna smile . His ph0t0 really make my day, I lied, I sh0uld have deleted everything ab0ut him but I'm still keeping his ph0t0s, whenever I'm met sad incident 0r think ab0ut him, I will l00k at his and 0ur ph0t0 and s0meh0w 0r rather it will make me smile . Even his hugs, his kiss, he whisper "I L0VE Y0U" in my ears . Still very sweet .

Sh*t, its 3.08 am n0w and I can't sleep . Head spins and hurts like hell .
Ever since the messy breakup, I been l0sing sleep alm0st everyday . I'll 0nly sleep when I'm very tired, I feel very tired at w0rk . Will even d0zed 0ff when sitting and even standing in the bus .
I guess this is my w0rst breakup I g0t . Life is back t0 black and white . Life turned upside d0wn . Back t0 my l0nely, em0, sad w0rld .
Feels like cutting myself .
S0unds fcuking stupid .
If I die 0ne day with0ut saying g00dbye will any0ne kn0w and care ?
I d0n't have much time left . I might leave anytime . I will die in a car accident . I g0t this str0ng feeling that I'll die very y0ung .
Negative th0ughts . L0ls, I think its funny t0 think ab0ut this n0w, cause every0ne will die, it's just a matter 0f time . Early 0r late .

Secrets or hidden messages are once again playing a role in your romantic affairs, Taurus. Whether you are single or attached, today may be a day where you expose or discuss hidden or private subjects, but these will not be dark in nature. This may simply involve finally exposing your fantasy to someone special, or even discussing issues of the past that brought you to where you are today. You can expect conversations and interactions with romantic interests to be intense, but the intense conversations are the ones that deepen romantic bonds. Sharing your inner thoughts with someone you trust is going to bring you the progress you are looking for today.

My l0ve life:
1. Mr R.idzwan` - (First l0ve) I d0n't l0ve him that much . The feeling wasn't very deep . A malay guy, n0thing special . 4 0r 5 years ag0 .
2. Mr R.ei Q.iang` - Puppy l0ve, this l0ve is very sweet and pure . Ended it cause the feeling is very wr0ng in the end . L0st c0ntact .
3. Mr K.ens0n*` - He've d0ne a l0t f0r me . Married with a kid n0w . But the marriage didn't last with his ex wife . He l0ve his spicky hair a l0t, very vain guy .
4. Mr T.rys0n**` - Kn0w this guy f0r 0ne 0r tw0 years thru a friend but we hardly c0ntact each 0ther . Until 0ne day, I've s0me pr0blem in my R/S s0 I seek his help and afterwhich we ended up being t0gether . Br0ught a l0t 0f l0llip0p f0r me and put it in a b0x, want me t0 be happy . He's a chef wh0 c00k really nice g00d . He's really sweet and really cute l00king, always give in t0 me . He've d0ne a l0t f0r me . L0ve him very much but ended up being hurt deeply . He's still single, but he's a faker . D0ne s0mething really hurt me . Still think ab0ut him s0metimes . T00k him f0r granted in the past .
5. Mr R.ay` - I've f0rg0tten ab0ut him, can't rememeber anything ab0ut him, bef0re we get t0gether, we will chat 0n the ph0ne everytime . This R/S d0esn't l00k like n0rmal c0uple . We are m0re like friends . He f0und his happiness n0w .
6. Mr K.enny% - A jerk, my ITE sch00lmate, l0ve at first sight . G0 ar0und flirting with girls . N0. 6, 7 & 8 guy is just flirting . They're n0t int0 me . Get t0gether f0r days 0nly .
7. Mr A.drian% - Lie ab0ut his whereab0uts, actually g0t case . Pr0blematic kid, CAB = Cha0 Ah Beng . He is always acting Beng . D0n't kn0w why I l0ve him in the first place . Must be blind .
8. Mr T.0ny% - Everytime I heard this name, I'll get b0iled up, a freaking g00d act0r in fr0nt 0f me, he g0t the l00ks and is using it t0 flirt behind his GF . I d0 n0t kn0w that he's attached until I checked 0ut his friendster acc0unt . Same case with n0. 11 guy . Makes me s0unds like a third party, when I kn0w n0thing at all . But I'm just a victim .
9. Mr D.amien% - He's actually s0me0ne I d0n't wish t0 be with, cause he's my g00d buddy, he's nice, always there f0r me, keep saying that he like me, we'll always quarrel, but in the end we will make it up and in the end we even l0se this friendship . N0t w0rth dating friends . L0se 0ne g00d friend f0r n0thing, and f0r g00d .
He said s0mething nasty s0 I never f0rgive him . He d0esn't want the friendship in the first place . Makes me really upset . Miss him s0 much, w0nder h0w he is d0ing n0w . H0pe can see him again and revive this friendship back .
10. Mr A.lex` - He's 0ne year y0unger than me . He's cute, but we're n0t c0mpatible . Met him when w0rking in Carref0ur . Will always quarrel . The day I left, he didn't st0pped me, all he did was playing with his PSP . Happiness f0und .
He's happily attached n0w, felt happy f0r him . This was 2 years 6 m0nths ag0 .
11. Mr N.aszreen***` - (Last l0ve) A Chinese mix Malay guy . N0 much c0mments . Nice and l0ving in the beginning, but is a heartbreaker . An0ther player . I l0ve him the m0st and he hurt me the m0st, the m0st . Left f0r an0ther girl . Breakd0wns when think and talk ab0ut him . Last guy I l0ve . N0t w0rth my tears . T00k l0ve and pe0ple ar0und him f0r granted .
Actually still cann0t get 0ver him, still thinking ab0ut him . Still _____ him .

Played tar0t card, I asked ab0ut me and _____ will have any ending, I picked three card, 0ne 0f it I ch0se is the l0vers . But in the end, the ending wasn't what the l0ver card is saying .
S0me0ne ever t0ld me that this card is the best card if y0u wanna kn0w ab0ut s0mething in relati0nship . _____ is still 0n my mind . I even tried taking 0ff day 0n _____ just t0 meet him, but was diappr0ved, instead I g0t tw0 ____ m0rning shift, was happy als0, at least can meet f0r a few h0urs m0re and its en0ugh but it's t00 late bef0re anything c0uld be d0ne .
Maybe the card I picked is just c0incidence . D0es n0t mean anything else .
At first I feel s0 happy hearing it but after that I kn0w it's n0t my happiness . Hate myself f0r being s0 weak and s0ft hearted .

Crazy ab0ut F1 . Th0se c00l engines and h0t brakes ~ ! Th0se cute guys t0tally turn me 0n t00 ! (:

All the guys I kn0w always left me with w0unds all 0ver . And are jerks . All n0 happy ending, n0 lasting l0ve . Never last m0re than 3 m0nths . N0w y0u kn0w why I wanna stay single, I rather stay single better than getting hurt in a R/S . Very hard f0r me t0 l0ve . The fear 0f rejecti0n, being aband0ned, cheated .
Seri0usly I f0rg0tten I g0t h0w many ex bf already . The 0ne I can remembered I type it 0ut .
All is seri0us but d0n't kn0w why n0ne last . I'm n0t a flirt, I'm l0yal and faithful in R/S . But 0ften being treated like sh*t . Maybe its my pr0blem, my fault . But th0se sweet and happy m0ments I'm still missing them all . I g0t a l0t 0f crush and puppy l0ve in the past . Th0se feelings is very pure and sweet .

* means i ____ y0u .
** means i ______ y0u a l0t .
*** means i ________ y0u very very much .

(:

After typing this p0st, pe0ple will think I'm such a flirt . But I kn0w I'm n0t . I'm always me, need n0b0dy t0 judge me . Wh0 cares ?
My l0ngest R/S is 3 m0nths .
My sh0rtest R/S is three days .
My l0ngest rec0rd f0r being single is 2 years and 6 m0nths .

Envy c0uples f0r celebrating anniversary and Valentine Day t0gether . I did with 0ne 0f my ex, but I wan't happy . Envy girls that receive present like r0se, ch0c0late and even bear . L0ls . I never receive bef0re . Envy with GREEN . Jeal0usy kills .
I h0pe I can celebrate every single special 0ccasi0n with that special pers0n in the future .
Time is n0t right, s0 MR RIGHT haven appear .

look out (x3)
where its at
i know karma's coming to pay me back
im with the sweetest thang thats on the map
i broke her heart in 30 seconds flat
in 30 seconds flat
now how did i
just how did i become that kind of guy
to look at girl and lie right in the eye
my momma told me willy that aint right
boy now that aint right
im s s s sorry
im s s s sorry
i didnt mean to break your heart
im s s s sorry
im s s s sorry
i didnt mean to break ya
b b b b break it baby
look baby
im a heartbreaker (x6)
im a heart
a h h h h
im a heart
a h h h im a
where she go
i got some things i gotta let her know
to fix the love now its impossible
but baby baby if we take it slow
if we take it slow
we can make it work
we just cant throw the love down in the dirt
you probly think that im a f**kin jerk
cuz the way i let you down it made you hurt
i didnt mean to make you hurt
im s s s sorry
im s s s sorry
i didnt mean to break your heart
im s s s sorry
im s s s sorry
i didnt mean to break ya
b b b b break it babylo

Because 0f y0u, I d0ne s0me things that I w0n't d0 in my previ0us R/S . I'm back t0 sm0king track because 0f y0u . I feel stress . I feel empty . I feel l0nely . I feel w0rthless . I feel vexed . Y0u say y0u d0n't like y0ur gf t0 g0 0ut with guys even if he is just my friend, I listen t0 y0u, I never meet them, y0u say y0u d0n't like y0ur gf t0 c0ntact and message guys, I listen t0 y0u, I never c0ntact and text them . H0w ab0ut y0u ? Didn't y0u d0 that als0 ? I didn't st0p y0u fr0m meeting 0r c0ntacting y0ur girl friends at all . Freed0m is very imp0rtant in a R/S t00 . Y0u're putting y0ur happiness 0nt0 my unhappiness . I'm n0t happy at all because I want y0u t0 be happy . D0 y0u kn0w I fall in l0ve with y0u is because 0f y0ur smile ? When I see y0u smile, I will be very happy . My heart will melt . But I d0n't kn0w why we can't have a peaceful and happy R/S . 0ur R/S always g0t pr0blem . I kn0w y0u are trying y0ur best t0 make the R/S w0rk, I can see that . I kn0w y0u care . I kn0w y0u're f0rcing y0urself t0 be with me when y0u're n0t happy at all . I want y0u t0 be truely happy and n0t f0rcing and faking y0ur smile, f0rcing t0 put 0n a smile in fr0n 0f me . I want y0u t0 be happy, even if I've let g0 and give up everything, n0thing beats than seeing y0u smile . Y0ur smile is my everything . Life with0ut y0u is darkness . Y0u c0l0ured my life again . If we were n0t t0gether I think I will still c0ntinue being em0 and never kn0w l0ve and never tasted l0ve and in l0ve again . Y0u make me wanna l0ve again . I spend weeks try revivng th0se feelings but yet y0u're spending y0ur time enj0ying y0ur time with an0ther girl . I guess this is called RETRIBUTI0N f0r being the third party between y0u and y0ur ex gf, s0 that why this happened t0 me . I d0n't kn0w why y0u dislikes me s0 much that y0u w0n't want t0 see me even f0r the last time . I th0ught I can revive y0ur heart and th0se feelings back if we c0uld meet again . Why can't y0u make it happen again like y0u did bef0re t0 win back my heart ? What is the use 0f having y0ur heart when its empty ? I want all y0ur full 0f energy l0ve . It's s0 hard f0r us t0 get back t0gether again after we tried s0 many times t0 w0rk it w0rk . Why can't y0u d0 s0mething ? Th0se nights we hang0ver was my happiest m0ments in life when i'm with y0u . Till n0w t00 . The feeling d0esn't seems t0 fade . But s0meh0w I d0n't think ab0ut y0u that much n0w, I'm sl0wly f0rgetting y0u . I treasure, cherish and l0ve y0u . But I'm really very tired, at times . I keep thinking and asking myself why can't y0u be the pers0n wh0 give in t0 this R/S and instead 0f just taking ? It w0n't w0rk this way . L0ve is give and take . L0ve is share and bear . We w0rked and fight s0 hard t0 be t0gether again, why are y0u pulling it d0wn again ? Is it cause I treat y0u n0t g00d en0ugh ? Perhaps I'm n0t g00d en0ugh f0r y0u . I have never ever given up 0n y0u and 0ur R/S . Be it th0se times y0u lied t0 me 0r n0w, I've never changed, but I realize y0u've changed a l0t . But y0u gave up first, its n0t fair t0 me . Y0u keep quiet ab0ut everything . I didn't wanted t0 break up in the first place, all al0ng I wanted m0st is t0 see y0u smile happily even if 0ne day I've t0 leave y0u . But I never c0me acr0ss my mind s0 its s0 fast that I've t0 let g0 when I'm trying t0 make this w0rk f0r us . S0 many w0rds never tell y0u . S0 many places never g0 t0gether . S0 many things never tell y0u . Y0u leave everything t0 a hist0ry . I always trust y0u, s0 much till whatever y0u say I'll believe even th0ugh I still have d0ubts 0n y0u s0metimes, but I tell myself that I must trust my BF . Even if y0u said y0u went 0ut with friends 0r even clubbing . As l0ng as y0u let me kn0w y0ur whereab0uts, at least I w0n't have t0 w0rry f0r y0u in case any accident happens . But whenever I trust y0u, s0mething bad happens, it's n0t 0nce, twice but m0re than that . And its always happen I d0n't wish t0 happen . I l0ve y0u s0 much, care s0 much f0r y0u, but in the end y0u said y0u d0 a l0t f0r her and she did a l0t f0r y0u, in y0ur heart, I'm always a bad GF, n0t kn0wing what y0u want and h0w y0u feel in this R/S . Y0u always said I think ab0ut myself, but d0 y0u kn0w that s0metimes y0u're s0 full 0f y0urself ? I can't stand it t00 . I g0t my limits t00 . Its just that s0metimes I just pretend and d0n't wanna kn0w . Was being ditched in silence with0ut kn0wing anything bef0rehand . Y0u enj0y, I suffer . Seeing is believing . Ign0rance is bliss . Why y0u're n0t that pers0n wh0 d0ne a l0t f0r me ? Why the pers0n y0u l0ve a l0t is n0t me ? Even if n0w I've never ecxpected y0u t0 change . Why y0u can stay faithful t0 her and y0ur ex and n0t t0 me ? Just 3 weeks, and y0u're 0ff with s0me0ne else, I'm being a f00l here . T0 me, 3 weeks isn't a very l0ng peri0d 0f time . I wished we c0uld last m0re than that . I l0ve y0u s0, why d0 y0u want t0 leave ? Why y0u have t0 be that pers0n ? Why is it y0u ? Why d0 y0u keep hurting me ? Why d0es all this have t0 happen ? What have I d0ne wr0ngly t0 deserve all this ? I have d0ne n0thing wr0ng t0 y0u . Y0u start y0ur new life and never turned back . I've always been the brave and str0ng, I will get back 0n track again but can I be the weak CHARLEEN f0r 0nce and leave quietly ? I tried everything I c0uld t0 get y0u back but this ending is what y0u been expecting all this while . I'm clear minded when y0u say that, s0 I ch00se t0 let g0 . But ... Can't we have a peaceful instead 0f a messy breakup ? At least I w0n't be s0 heartbr0ken . Y0u destr0y and t00k everything fr0m me . Why d0 y0u t00k my smile and happiness away ? Em0ti0nally lately, 0ther than being em0, been wanting t0 cry . I need a sh0ulder . If 0ne day I die will y0u cry f0r me ? I realize that I'm n0t that str0ng afterall . i hate the fact that y0u have left and I've t0 pretend t0 be happy . Waiting f0r a heart that never c0me back . H0w I wish ... I already bel0ng t0 y0ur past . She is y0ur current and future . N0 l0nger anything in y0ur heart . H0pe her ending d0esn't end like y0ur ex and mine, s0 pathetic and heart br0ken, h0pe y0u can last l0ng with her ! Ever since y0u left, till n0w I guess I've sl0wly letting g0 and search f0r my smile in vain . I NEED THEM BACK AGAIN ! By the way, I must really thanks th0se pe0ple wh0 really sh0w care and c0ncern ab0ut me when I'm really d0wn, th0se messy, sad m0ment, I d0n't wanna think ab0ut it anym0re . Finding the 0ld me back 0n track . I s0meh0w can sense that y0u w0n't be back anym0re, its really g00dbye f0r us and the pain is sl0wly fading away in the air . I mean what I say this time, I w0n't c0ntact y0u means I w0n't, anym0re . N0 matter h0w much I miss y0u and h0w much I wanted y0u t0 be here again . D0n't kn0w whether y0u still viewing my bl0g despite telling y0u n0t t0 view anym0re, I think y0u w0n't anym0re, that g00d . Sh0ws that y0u n0 l0nger l0ve me, I kn0w . If y0u c0uld remember we chatted 5 weeks ag0, and I say 0ur relati0nship seems very funny cause we d0n't seem t0 care ab0ut each 0ther that much and y0u th0ught I wanted t0 leave y0u, and if I really did, y0u ask me t0 leave y0u 5 weeks later, which is las few weeks ag0 . H0w c0ncidence 0r y0u already plan ? It sh0ws that h0w much we are n0t meant t0 be . G0d wanted the ending f0r us t0 be like this t00 . I 0nly c0uld see y0u with 0ther girls . I wish y0u all the very, very very best . Best blessing .

But heart is hurt and numb that I d0 n0t have the c0urage t0 l0ve again . I started t0 dislike d0ing things which I enj0yed and l0ve d0ing bef0re we were still t0gether, I l0st interest in everything . Even cute guys . ): N0t s0 crazy 0ver them anym0re .

Same Script Different Cast

Whitney: Um?hey Deb.

Deborah Cox: Mmm hmm?

WH: Thank you for being woman enough to come.

DC: Whitney, what′s this about?

WH: I know he′s leaving me for you.

DC: Who said that? Who told you that it′s true?

What is he telling you?

Could it be the same things that he told me?

DC: He told me that he loved me.

WH: I heard that.

DC: He told me I was[harmony] beautiful. How did you know? How did you know?

WH: Because I played that scene before.

CHORUS:This is a retake of my life.

I was his star for many nights.
Now the roles have changed,

And you′re the leading lady in his life.

Lights, camera, now you′re on.

Just remember you′ve been warned.

Enjoy it now, ′cause it won′t last.

Same script, different cast.

DC: What you′re saying could be true.

But how can I take advice from you?

WH: I′m not hating,

But I wish the one before me

Would have warned me too babe.

DC: Don′t say no more. La La La La La La La La La

WH: Uncover your ears, gir

T0 fix the l0ve n0w its imp0ssible .

L0ve 0r bread ?

L0ve 0r m0ney ?

L0ve 0r labels ?

What will y0u ch00se ? C0ded my l0ve . Barc0de my l0ve . Kidnap my heart . L0ve me, Charleen . H0pe its l0ve y0u ch00se .

EM0 like elm0 . Feeling quite l0nely in this w0rld . Living in my 0wn w0rld s0metimes .

Addicted t0 GREEN tea, ch0c0late and p0tat0 wedges . (:
Miss eating MINGLES, nice f00d, reas0nable price, 0nly at Vel0 City, always eat with c0lleague and we will return them their utensil after finishing their f00d . I l0ve their p0tat0 wedges with cheese and waffle ice cream ! (: Nice f00d makes me happy ! =) But they will be cl0sing f0r weeks t0 ren0vati0n, unable t0 enj0y their f00d f0r the next few weeks . F00d is what I enj0yed the m0st in my life . I started t0 get weird tastebuds, I'm in l0ve with Mr Latte, Mr Cappuccino recently . I d0n't drink c0ffee at all, but I'm suddenly in l0ve with them ! (:

And I'm int0 heels and dresses ! G0nna get m0re . 0h, Mummie is s0 g0ing t0 kill me ! =x

PARTY, PARTY, PARTY . =D M00d t0 clubbing s0ngs .

Damn, went t0 buy cigarette just n0w, the pers0n wants t0 check my IC, but was half happy t00, cause after I hit the 20s, I might n0t be able t0 hear it anym0re . The pers0n must be thinking why g0t Xia0 Mei Mei can buy cigarette des . Even g0t s0me uncles th0ught I underage sm0ker . D0ts l0rs . I think after this p0st, I might g0 MIA f0r awhile, wh0 kn0ws I might changed my mind again by bl0gging . Very sick and tired 0f everything . Hate myself al0t, al0t . Hate my em0ti0ns . Why I cann0t f0rget and let g0 . Back t0 my life, sm0king life . N0thing beats than being happy .

PS . Attenti0n seekers turns me 0ff . Especially guys . Yucks .

X0X0

Labels: ELM0, EM0