* ;CHARLEEN.L ; Happiness is all I ever wanted . (:

P E A C E

Tried to write a letter; In ink
I've got a piece of paper; But it's Empty

The diaryMy life .

Sunday, September 20, 2009 ( 9/20/2009 03:02:00 PM )

P0rk Ch0p - Mummy ate this . =)

Chicken Ch0p Rice - I ate this . (:

Fried N00dles ? N0t sure what it's . Sister ate this . =D F0rg0tten ab0ut what Aunt 0rder, Sister never take the ph0t0 .

My Cute Aunt & Cute Mummy . (:

Sisters with the same p0se . :0

L00k s0 faraway, the distance, I mean .

Ph0t0 0f me, 0nly, like finally . L0ls . Cute me .

My Cute Sister . ((=

Why the smile l00ks s0 fake ? That the reas0n why I d0n't like smiling sh0wing my teeth .

D0n't kn0w what happen t0 her, must be insane . L0l0ls .

L00k I'm s0 fat in this ph0t0 with d0uble chin, sians .

A decent ph0t0 0f me and Sister .

An0ther decent 0ne .

Tired, tired, tired . I need t0 sleep early fr0m n0w 0n .

W0ke up at 1.25 pm just n0w and slept at 3 am plus this m0rning .

Lately been sleeping f0r less than 7 h0urs .

S0metimes will sleep at ar0und 3 0r 4 am . Panda eyes is really dark .

W0rk was fine was fun d0metimes, g0t pe0ple entertain and make me smile . L0ls .

Yesterday w0rk m0rning shift, s0 after w0rk called Sister, ask them(Mummie, Aunt & Sister) where they were . It been a l0ng time since I g0 0ut with them . Atferwhich, meet them up at t0wn, l00k f0r them at Taka, walk pass my w0rk place at Ngee Ann City and see wh0 is w0rking, see them quite busy s0 never went t0 say hi .

And there's a M00ncake fair at Taka Square . S0 many m00ncakes ! (: S0 tempted !

I want ice cream m00ncake . Yummy .

Sister br0ught 0ne Ch0c0late m00ncake . And is n0t cheap, $6.5o .

I rather buy ice cream 0nes . I want t0 buy the 0nes in Fei Chui and Swensen ice cream's m00ncake .

After that we were deciding 0n what t0 eat, then they actually wanted t0 g0 Plaza Singapura K0pitiam again, everytime they g0 0rchard they will g0 there t0 have dinner .

Then Aunt and Mummy ask what we wanted t0 ask . I said why n0t eat s0mething m0re special ? Then I sugguested we eat Xin Wang H0ng K0ng Cafe in Cineleisure . In the end, Aunt treat us . =D Well, I hate g0ing t0 t0wn 0n Saturday .

As we walk 0ver there, I think ab0ut Mr N 0ut 0f sudden, if we were still t0gether, the pers0n g0ing there with me is n0t my family but him . D0n't understand, he said bef0re that he w0n't leave me cause he l0ve me a l0t but in the end he still decided t0 leave me . N0w I d0n't like g0ing there . Cause the place g0t t00 much 0f 0ur mem0ry . I need t0 st0p thinking ab0ut it . Better 0ff with0ut him . Release myself . L0ve, I guess I w0n't need that anym0re . Trust n0b0dy . Let me just bec0me a mem0ry 0f y0u as a dust . Let it fade in the air .

I kn0w that I am just a l0ve f00l . I feel sucha failure as a gf cause I can't d0 anything .I need y0u in my life . N0 matter what I have t0 d0, I will wait f0r y0u . I will be waiting .D0es he kn0w that I'm waiting ? D0es miracles exists ? Filled with disapp0intment and unhappiness .Y0u are the last pers0n pers0n I wanna l0ve f0r the rest 0f my life . Y0u are the last sh0ulder I wanna lie 0n . Y0u are the 0nly hands I wanna h0ld . Y0u are the last pers0n wh0 I wanna kiss . Y0u are the 0ne . Y0u are my happiness . N0w and f0rever .I wanna be a r0mantic gf f0r a day . I wanna l0ve y0u f0r this very time, this very m0ment . I wanna l0ve y0u till the w0rld dies . I wanna l0ve y0u f0r the very last time .N0 matter what I d0, I am n0t the best girl 0r gf y0u wanted . Happiness d0n't stay by my side, it always leaves me with unhappiness .I wanted t0 be l0ved t00 . Is that t00 much f0r me t0 ask ? Every0ne deserves t0 be l0ved . Mind is very vexed n0w . D0n't kn0w what I really want afraid might regret with my decisi0n . D0n't want live my life with regrets . I w0n't regret with my decisi0n f0r being with y0u .Unhappiness please g0 away . I need t0 try t0 be happy instead 0f faking my smile everyday . I d0n't even feel any slight happy at all . I am n0t thinking and waiting f0r y0u anym0re . I need t0 stay str0ng pls . A fresh st0ry ahead ? Y0u are n0t f0rg0tten . I can sense that y0ur l0ve is a lie .Same script, different cast .What is marriage ?What is everlasting l0ve ?What is the wedding v0w ?What is the engagement ring ?What is wedding g0wn ?What is marriage certifcate ?I knew n0thing . I d0n't wish t0 get marry .I 0nly kn0w pr0mises are meant t0 be br0ken .Even th0se v0ws y0u make 0n y0ur wedding day .Treasure l0ve, c0ward .I finally picked up my last bit 0f c0urage t0 refer t0 the messages he last send . Finally g0t the c0urage t0 read it again . Deleted but tears r0ll d0wn my cheeks again .Everytime when I think ab0ut him, I feel like cutting myself . I kn0w its n0t w0rth at least it c0uld help t0 numb my pain in the heart f0r awhile . It been very l0ng since I fall in l0ve and gets a heart break . I th0ught this time was different, but I still gets a heart break, time and time again . I am sick and tired 0f seeing hist0ry t0 be repeated again . It is really hard f0r me t0 take it . Heart still feels like needles p0king thru it a th0usand, milli0n times . Till its alm0st numb . All the mem0ries we 0nce have at 0rchard . I am just s0me0ne being treated like a t0y . When they want me, they l0ve me . And n0w that they have me, they aband0n me aside . N0w I finally understand h0w t0 keep all my em0ti0ns inside instead 0f letting it 0ut .

Even this Hari Raya makes me think 0f him, a l0t 0f things makes me link t0 him . It been s0 l0ng since I last heard fr0m him, be it a ph0ne call, a text message 0r seeing him 0nline . I hate myself f0r being like this . I hate myself f0r thinking ab0ut him again when I sh0uld f0rget . I've bec0me less caring and c0ncern f0r pe0ple ar0und me, be it c0lleague, 0r friends and even strangers . Whatever they d0 0r say I d0n't really care . Like I have withdraw fr0m pe0ple, I d0n't like when pe0ple ask and sh0w c0ncern f0r me, cause I think its very fake . Especially friends wh0 d0n't care ab0ut y0u and when s0mething happen t0 y0u, they pretend t0 sh0w that they care, this type 0f pe0ple I really detest a l0t . D0n't care means d0n't care d0esn't have t0 act like 0ne kind s0ul here . I've changed because I think n0b0dy deserve my c0ncern . The pe0ple I care and l0ve the m0st always ended up hurting me . And I'm really sick 0f it, I'm just pr0tecting myself fr0m getting hurt again . Whatever is g0ne, is g0ne . Can't find back, just like my smile, I may l00k happy but I'm just faking my smile . I'm n0t a happy pers0n and I d0n't find the need t0 deny . I just fcuking hate my life . I wish I c0uld just die . Cause I d0n't care and give a fcuking damn anym0re . Fcuked up life .

My ph0ne were very silent after the breakup, n0b0dy text 0r ph0ne me, 0nly when that is s0mething when pe0ple c0ntact me . An0ther reas0n is I g0t very few friends, I d0n't like mixing ar0und, I'm quite a anti pers0n, in fact I'm rather a l0ner and quiet pers0n but I d0 get really hyper and crazy at times when mixing with the right pers0n .

F0r eg, Mummy will call if she c00k my share 0f my fav0urite f00d . Sster will text me if Mummie c00k extra share 0f f00d . Friends will 0nly text 0r call when they need me .

I d0n't even b0ther t0 c0ntact them, I hardly c0ntact them, even have c0nflicts with them ab0ut the meetups s0metimes, really tired . I rather n0t meeting them, I tried asking them a l0t 0f times f0r meetups but 0ften the time is clashed . They're lucky t0 have find 0ffice, admin j0bs whereas am0ng them I'm the 0nly 0ne wh0 w0rk in retail, y0u kn0w retail h0urs . S0 the percentage 0f me getting weekends 0ff is very rare . M0rning shift is hard t0 get t00 .

S0metimes I feel very l0nely in this w0rld, feels like such a failure . Failure in everything . Feels like I g0t n0thing . I'll g0 0ut al0ne in the past but n0w I'll hide at h0me .

I fail f0r being a student . My qualificati0n, I 0nly c0mpleted my Nitec . I hate studies, n0 interest in it at all . S0 I give up . Hench, my English is n0t g00d, when times w0rds I can't spell, I'll check my dicti0nary . I can't speak English pr0perly 0r can't pr0nunce .

I fail f0r being a daughter . I'll t00k my parents f0r granted . Always when I'm quite pissed, I'll talk t0 my Mummy in a unp0lite manner . I d0n't talking t0 them that much s0metimes . Very naggy . 00PS . =X

I fail f0r being a gf . Speechless . R/S always g0t pr0blem . N0t treating ex bf n0t nice en0ugh 0r t00k them f0r granted . In the end they left f0r s0me0ne better . N0 peace . Fact is I hate being in l0ve, makes me very girly, weak and s0ft hearted .

I fail f0r being a friend . Friends c0me and g0 . They make friends and left . Hi bye friends, I've a l0t . I d0n't believe in trusting friends anym0re . Human is g00d at lying . I trust friends t00 much that I always ended up being betrayed and make used .

I fail f0r being a sister . Never d0 a g00d example f0r silbings t0 see . I set a bad example by n0t g0ing f0r better educati0n, went h0me very late, g0ing clubbing, several piercings and ink my b0dy, and sc0ld vuglar language .

I fail f0r being a human . I g0t attitude pr0blem . S0 cann0t really mix well with pe0ple and I find it hard t0 express myself, can't stand it when pe0ple wanted t0 find tr0uble with me and keep staring at me, will argue back, well, that me, very stubb0rn and h0t temper . Will even sc0ld vuglar language when I'm very pissed . C0ntr0ling myself . Was n0t a happy pers0n . I hate myself .

See, I'm such a bad girl n0 w0nder my life sucks, n0 many things happen .

But s0meh0w, I'm a l0t luckier c0mpare t0 s0me pe0ple wh0 are m0re unf0rtunate t0 me .

Alth0ught, I might n0t have a l0vely life, a g00d educati0n, perfect bf, dream career, w0nderful friends, but I'm happy that I still have my family with me and this fact will never changed . They're always with me, n0b0dy c0uld take that fr0m me .
Tell me h0w t0 change my life . I feel like cutting myself . Back t0 depressi0n th0ughts . I s0metimes w0nder if I've depressi0n .

I d0n't understand why d0es g0d wants t0 give me s0mething and take everything back fr0m me ? I rather n0t want anything in the first place .

I hate myself f0r still _____ him .

Anyways, Selamat Hari Raya t0 all the Muslims peeps 0ut there !

The ph0t0s f0r the f00d will be upl0aded when I'm free . (:

After that we went t0 Plaza Sing .

And went h0me after that .

0kays, Daddy is bringing us 0ut t0 eat .

F00d again . (: I'm bec0ming fatter ! My face turns r0under, which I hate m0st n0w is this feature . We went t0 818 ... Can't remember the name 0f the st0re . But it's l0cated near Jur0ng area, benefit th0se wh0se drive a big vehicle . My Daddie dr0ve th0se super BIG l0rry, in 0ther w0rds, he w0rk as a l0rry driver and Mummie is a h0usewife . =) I hardly talk ab0ut my family here .

I realize that my hair bec0me m0re fraglie, keep dr0pping and it's n0t as healthy and as black as bef0re .

0kays, this is my link f0r an0ther bl0g, Live J0urnal .

http://charleen-l.livejournal.com/ feel free t0 c0mment me . I created that acc0unt is because bl0gger went insane previ0usly . S0 far 0nly 0ne pers0n kn0w and c0mment in that bl0g . =D L0w pr0file . (: This is ANGIECHARLEEN . (=

Always l00k 0n the bright side 0f life . I h0pe I c0uld .

Y0u Sucks, I R0cks !

My all time fav0urite, MR SUPERMAN .

MR SUPERMAN, I L0VE Y0U . <3>
This bl0g is 0ne year 0ld ! =)

Regretted f0r deleted my previ0us bl0gs . N0w all the mem0ries is all g0ne .

PS. I want a t0y p00dle, pls . Secret c0de - 2005

X0x0

L0ve me, Charleen . (:

Labels: My life .